#6 Do they really understand...

I have been wondering does my family REALLY understand what I go through with my daughter?? I mean do they understand how hard and sad it really is?? My daughter is going to be 3 in Dec and has just about NO way of communicating with me, her dad, her gym teacher, ANYONE!! Do you know how hard that is?! The other day I took my daughter to PetSmart to buy some pet stuff (obviously) and at the check out my daughter was trying to tell me something by grunting and pointing, the cashier said very rudely USE YOUR WORDS! I just looked at her and was like SHE HAS A BRAIN DISORDER. BITCH! Made her feel like an idiot but I wish I could have punch her in the face! I understand that she didn't know, but the way she said it was so rude! It's people like that, that make this even harder!

Also I have been trying to teach her the ABC's song, I know she isn't going to get it, but I just wish she would. At her gymnastics class all of the kids sing it, which again makes me cry all the way home =( She was just recently diagnoised with this maybe a month ago, so yes it is still hard. Obviously.

But I wonder if my family really knows. Come Dec when I visit them I really wish that she can spend as much time with my brothers who are both away in the USMC. I myself have not seen either one of them in OVER year, which in turn neither had my daughter. This makes me even more sad! ugh.... Its just a sad night I guess.

#4 What Keeps You Sane

So as a mother I wonder what other mothers do to keep them "sane". Mine is shopping. And I mean I really need it once a month, about, to keep me sane. I start to notice it's coming when I just feel so blah, and my husband asks me over and over again "whats wrong?" Its not even that something is wrong, its just.... I cant even explain it. Its like I have an addiction to shopping and if I dont get my fix I feel like a depressed person. Only I am not depressed. Get it?

So anyways, with that said I am back to my normal self. In fact, I have to get this house in order. Much laundry to be done. Laundry! That's the worst chore in the book. I wish we could just buy new clothes! =) But I know that's not solving this laundry epidimic in my house! Although I must brag for a min, I did get quite a few very cute outfits yesturday. Pretty excited to wear them =)

On other note, bed time is getting a little better. I haven't been getting irritated as easily. I think its because I have been taking advil about 2 hours before hand to help with the headache, and we have been playing in her room before hand and cleaning her room before bed has really helped too. So glad for that.

I have quite a busy day today! I have to get this house in order. I have so much laundry and just little things that need to be cleaned its crazy! Plus I have a lot of errands to run also. I cant wait for tuesday, that is gonna be our lazy family day; well in my mind thats what I have planned for us but we shall see how things pan out.
So I guess what I want to know, with all of the things mother's are held responsible for, have to get done on a daily basis, with kids running around you while your trying to get them done; what is it that keeps you sane? One thing that you have to do?
I'll leave you with that.

#3 Early Morning

You know, I really wish my daughter would sleep in her own bed. All night! When she ends up sleeping with us in our bed, she cant lay with my husband because he works at 4am, so she is ALL the way over on my side of the bed. Causing me to sleep all wrong. I wake up with a headache. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? Neck pain, and extremely irritated. And in dire need of caffeine. BAD! Rockstar is my weakness. I cant have coffee because Im lactose and tolerant; which by the way I wasn't until after I had my daughter. Weird. 
Anyhoo, Im sitting her with my daughter while she eats her breakfast and watches SpongeBob; her weakness; and as Im doing so Im looking around at this house. A mess. Of course. I cant help but wonder if I should even clean again, its just going to be a mess again in minutes. It takes me hours to clean it, and it takes my daughter minutes to destroy it. What's up with that?

I have to send over paper work to my daughter's doctor. The insurance company wont pay for her MRI, so we have been going through hell and back trying to find out what it is they need. Hopefully this is it. I dont see the big deal, if we have the money to pay for it. Please do explain?!

So this may be sad to say, but the thing I am excited about it I bought a new bra and undies from Victoria Secret. =) Oh the little thing you get excited about when your entire day consist of cleaning and baby talk... All day long! But I guess that's motherhood for ya.

#2 Finally able to relax

Finally! I am able to actually relax. I got my daughter in her bed about 8ish. Bed time is probabley the most irritating part of my day. By this time I am already so tired, have a headache, and NEED some quiet time. And all she wants to do is make sure we all have 'babies' and tuck her 'babies' all in, giving them kisses and making 'pillows' for them. I get a little frusturated with it, but let her do it. Am I a bad mom for feeling this way? Ugh, I dont even know what to think about it. Reading it over makes me feel horrible. Im going to try and work on that.

My daughter has a brain disorder called Verbal Dyspraxia. We just found this out. What it is, is she cant process her muscle movement in her jaw to say words. So in short she doesn't talk. Not really. She can say Mama, and thats it. Its very depressing. I try not to cry about it but, how can you not?! She is supposed to start preschool soon, are other kids going to make fun of her? Are they going to leave her out of things? These are my biggest worries for her as of now, I just cry thinking about it. How horrible some kids are! I just hope they are all so nice to her. She is in gymnastics right now, but those kids are just so young I dont think they really realize that she doesn't talk. I mean not really. She has been doing speech therapy for almost 2 years now, but with no luck.... Will it ever end?

Starting Out

So this is my first blog. I'm not really sure why I am even starting this, but I do know I gotta get this out somehow. I mean do people really care what I have to say? I do know this, I hope no one I know comes across this. I don't want anyone I know really knowing what I think about things, and what I really am going through. Here I want to be COMPLETELY honest with myself and anyone who does read this. From everything, my marriage, being a mother, going through my daughter's brain disorder, the doctors appointments, the tests... All of it! I guess its not that I don't want people I know not to really know what I think and am going through, I guess its just the fact that I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I just want to talk about it without being told its going to be OK or give me any of that crap. Just let me talk about it and listen! That's all I ask.
So I guess we will see how this goes.....